Things I am Afraid to Tell You

This morning I clicked over to read one of my favourite blogs (which will remain un-named). I sighed and clicked away as I was confronted by a gorgeous image of a pretty young girl wearing fabulous bright shorts and a delicate floaty top. I have nothing against the writer of the blog, I expect she really wears clothes like that but for me it is not and never has been a possibility. More on that later.

I then clicked over to Creature Comforts where I found a post that really summed up my feelings this morning and in fact in recent years. If you read blogs and even if you read mine you might mistakenly think that my life is perfect. I have a beautiful clean styled home, a hunky husband who is always ready to do what I ask, my kids are intelligent, handsome and well-dressed. This couldn't be further from the truth which is what Ez talks about in her post "Things I am afraid to tell you". In blogland and in the online world things are perfect but there is an ever-widening chasm between that perfection and the reality of our everyday lives. This has prompted a lot of well-known bloggers to share some of their dark secrets. An effort to shatter the myth.

I'm not a well-known blogger but I do have a deep dark secret that I want to get off my chest. Bear in mind that this is just one of the many challenges I deal with constantly.


It's not really a secret to many of you that I struggle with my weight. For years I have been reluctant to be in photos and I seldom share pictures of myself online.

I am forty years old. I first went on a diet in my late teens. I did really well for a short time on the Hip and Thigh Diet. A few years later the weight had crept back up. Just after graduating from University I joined Weight Watchers. I was somewhat successful but not hugely committed to it. I tried Weight Watchers Online when Noodle was a toddler. It didn't work out. At various times in my life I have gone the exercise route - fanatical circuit training at the gym and daily aerobics classes, walking and of course swimming.

I've tried all kinds of diets half-heartedly. As you know I re-joined the gym a few years ago. This might be staggering information but I have never lost any weight as a result of it. In fact I am heavier than ever despite swimming and doing aquarobics every week.

Sometimes I think that people don't like me because I am fat. I am waiting for the day when my kids and husband refuse to be seen with me because I am so huge. I fear that one day I will suffer a serious health concern because of my weight. Since meeting my husband sixteen years ago I have gained 25kg. At times it's been closer to 30kg more.

I wish I could look great in the clothes I see online.

So that's my reality, that I have been afraid to tell you. I am obese.

This is not a 'poor me' post and don't think that I am not doing anything about it. I am.
I hope by posting this confession that I will find a new resolve.

12 comments:

  1. Recently loads of my friends have lost amazing amounts of weight on the Cohens diet leaving me the last remaining fatty. But the funny thing is they ate not any better people than me, being skinny hasn't cured their problems, it just makes them smaller. This year I have decided not to diet, it feels futile really. Thanks for sharing, please post pics of yourself, those of us size (nz) 16+ need to see its ok to not be a stick insect!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am a fellow expat from Kansai, and have followed your blog for a long time- and have never commented but I really love your sewing and crafty-ness! You are a real inspiration.

    As a non-Japanese sized woman, I often find the pressure to be rake thin overwhelming in this country...I too have never lost any weight from the gym- and often struggle with maintaining a positive self body image.
    I recently went to the doctor to have my thyroid checked as my family have a history of thyroid conditions which make it difficult to lose weight. I'm borderline as am just over thirty, and have to get checked at 35 again. I am not trying to force advice on you; but it might be something that is worth checking out. There are a number of excellent endocrinologists in Kobe and I went to see an English speaking one...if you want the details I can forward them to you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I totally agree with what you wrote! There are so many blogs out there that I read that make me think "Wait a minute, there is no way that someone's life could be so perfect". I really commend you for being bold and putting the truth out there. I have been a coward and basically not written on my own blog for over a year because I just want to be real but feel like it isn't something that is good to put out there. You have inspired me to perhaps start writing again!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm right there with you Jacqui! There are some blogs I read and sigh because their life seems so perfect. There is a tug-o-war in my head with one side wishing my life were as perfect as their's seems to be but the other side saying they'll have their problems too. My issues with weight started in primary school when I wasn't big at all and I have gained weight, lost weight, gained it again, lost it again - you know how the cycle goes. Anyway 'diet' is now a dirty word which has been replaced with 'healthy living' where I try to make everything from scratch so I control what goes into my mouth much more than takeaways and convenience foods. I'm what the doctors would call morbidly obese - I'd like to lose weight and I will but it took time to put it all on, it'll take time to lose it. And Deb is right, losing weight doesn't solve all the issues

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jacqui you are not alone! I struggled for years with my weight and it has taken over every waking thought at times. I was average weight til the birth of my first some, (now aged 40!!!!!) and have been up and down since. People are amazed that I have a problem as they say I dress well and seem happy in my body. What an actress! Anyway, I'm now 60, and no, I haven't become reconciled to the fact I can't wear the clothes I'd really like. But I do have a full life, and so do you, and a kindly personality and talents. So while I will never give up trying - low carbs are doing fine at the moment, not the Atkins but a sensible version - I will try and keep my 'weakness' in proportion.

    Sickly 'everything in my garden is gorgeous' blogs are easily seen through. Mine is a new one, and I am determined to be onest; you don't have to slam people with evry last detail but I think being honest about how you are feeling, and when things go wrong as well as right.

    There now. I have been compelled to comment! And good to find your blog, I will visit again for sure!

    Lynnex

    ReplyDelete
  6. I read this post a couple of days ago , you might like it?

    http://fledgeflyingiseasy.blogspot.co.nz/2012/03/be-is-first-part-of-beauty.html

    15 yrs ago I did a body sculpting competition and while I looked fantastic I was tired ,grumpy and very difficult to live with. I haven't dieted since and while I am lucky to sit naturally in my health weight range , at 40+and post baby , I am not rushing out to buy short shorts and bikinis. No one is perfect and while it's nice to ready lots of happy blogs I also like the reality check and honesty of your post. I hope you find a way to get to a comfortable place with your body . One of the nice things about writing a blog is that you are not judged by your appearance - I really enjoy reading about your adventures and think your blog is great.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have to tell you something about your big secret... I don't care because this isn't what defines you at all. I have never doubted for a second that you are clearly a devoted mother, a wonderful crafter and business woman, a kind and generous person. Whilst there is no doubt that mainting a healthy weight and body image is a miserable struggle for so many of us, and even more so for many more, it's not this that defines us. I don't think you are any less fabulous than I thought you were when I started reading this post. In fact, I think you're even more fabulous - I can now add brave and determined to my list of adjectives! Lots of love to you xx

    ReplyDelete
  8. I've been feeling a little bitter about my weight the last week because I thought I'd check out this famous Wiksten top that all the cool bloggers rave about, only to discover that I'd have to lose quite a lot of weight to fit the largest size! The thing is that while I could definitely stand to lose 10kg, and 20 would be really nice, I'm not THAT overweight. So sometimes I feel like I'm being subjected to unreasonable expectations as to what my weight should be (Weight Watchers would tell me I need to lose that 20kg to get to the top of the normal weight range - hah!), and sometimes I just don't feel comfortable in myself with my weight. I don't like how I feel physically, or how unfit I am, or how it affects my blood pressure. Of course I feel the social pressure to be a certain size, but I try super-hard not to listen to that. What I need to listen to is my body, because that's not lying to me! I don't like photos of me on my blog much either to be honest, but perhaps that should change!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am finding that living in Asia is making me more and more conscience of my weight - well, the extra wobbly bits I would like to lose. Many of the locals are naturally skinny, and do not have to even try to stay thin. I feel like a huge, fat heifer living in Hong Kong, and I only need to lose 10-12kg.
    Good luck on your journey. Cat.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Jacqui, You have a beautiful blog and are so talented. I know that being bigger in Japan is really hard at times; difficult to buy clothes etc. I know that it's really disapointing when you try so hard and still don't see the pounds come off. I just read on-line somewhere that a good diet may be alternating days (eat 2000 calories one day, and cut back the next, and then return to the 2000 the following day). It seems more doable then an everyday diet. I'm thinking of starting this tomorrow, since I have my yearly physical the end of June and need to lose enough to return to last years weight. Hope that you can find a good system. Nancy Tsurumaki

    ReplyDelete
  11. I could almost have said word for word what you have written. My fear is that I will spend the rest of life thinking this way. I had the same body issues at an average weight of 65kgs 10 years ago. I also gained a lot of weight during my marriage, and because of this I have very few photos of myself. This makes me feel sad because I have some great memories despite my weight problems. I live in China where I didn't really ever have a problem with my weight comparing my body to the average Chinese woman because the build of my body is completely different to theirs. That was my excuse anyway and lately I have become quite self conscious of myself. My goal is that I will focus on being happy rather then losing weight. I hope you are able to achieve your goals you have set yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi Jacqui, thanks for your brave and honest post. I totally agree with you about many blogs being unrealistic. That's why I only read 3 or 4, including yours. It's posts like yours that make me feel that somewhere across the world, a connection is being made.

    I am close to your age and recently realized that when I was in my teens and twenties I didn't like to wear things like sleeveless tops (exposing my arms, which I felt were too fat), short skirts etc. Of course the horrible irony is that now I'm much heavier than I was back then! I look at old photos and wonder why I didn't realize that youth, a bright complexion, etc. were so attractive. But I think that is something that women often suffer from. I have a 5 year old daughter and I'm wondering how I can raise her to be happy, but not vain. Confident, but not self-absorbed. It seems like a perilously narrow path, especially given the increasing sexualization of young girls. Honestly, some of the clothes sold for little girls are ridiculous! Thanks again for the post ;)

    ReplyDelete

I love your comments!
Thanks, I read each and every one of them!

I try to reply to all your comments, if you want to know what I and others say check :Email follow-up comments to ...

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.