This morning I clicked over to read one of my favourite blogs (which will remain un-named). I sighed and clicked away as I was confronted by a gorgeous image of a pretty young girl wearing fabulous bright shorts and a delicate floaty top. I have nothing against the writer of the blog, I expect she really wears clothes like that but for me it is not and never has been a possibility. More on that later.
I then clicked over to Creature Comforts where I found a post that really summed up my feelings this morning and in fact in recent years. If you read blogs and even if you read mine you might mistakenly think that my life is perfect. I have a beautiful clean styled home, a hunky husband who is always ready to do what I ask, my kids are intelligent, handsome and well-dressed. This couldn't be further from the truth which is what Ez talks about in her post "Things I am afraid to tell you". In blogland and in the online world things are perfect but there is an ever-widening chasm between that perfection and the reality of our everyday lives. This has prompted a lot of well-known bloggers to share some of their dark secrets. An effort to shatter the myth.
I'm not a well-known blogger but I do have a deep dark secret that I want to get off my chest. Bear in mind that this is just one of the many challenges I deal with constantly.
It's not really a secret to many of you that I struggle with my weight. For years I have been reluctant to be in photos and I seldom share pictures of myself online.
I am forty years old. I first went on a diet in my late teens. I did really well for a short time on the Hip and Thigh Diet. A few years later the weight had crept back up. Just after graduating from University I joined Weight Watchers. I was somewhat successful but not hugely committed to it. I tried Weight Watchers Online when Noodle was a toddler. It didn't work out. At various times in my life I have gone the exercise route - fanatical circuit training at the gym and daily aerobics classes, walking and of course swimming.
I've tried all kinds of diets half-heartedly. As you know I re-joined the gym a few years ago. This might be staggering information but I have never lost any weight as a result of it. In fact I am heavier than ever despite swimming and doing aquarobics every week.
Sometimes I think that people don't like me because I am fat. I am waiting for the day when my kids and husband refuse to be seen with me because I am so huge. I fear that one day I will suffer a serious health concern because of my weight. Since meeting my husband sixteen years ago I have gained 25kg. At times it's been closer to 30kg more.
I wish I could look great in the clothes I see online.
So that's my reality, that I have been afraid to tell you. I am obese.
This is not a 'poor me' post and don't think that I am not doing anything about it. I am.
I hope by posting this confession that I will find a new resolve.